Empowering Family Health

Ep#69 Coming Home To Ourselves | Mark Carolan | Empowering Family Health

December 18, 2022 Johann Callaghan
Empowering Family Health
Ep#69 Coming Home To Ourselves | Mark Carolan | Empowering Family Health
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Show Notes Transcript

How our life only truly makes sense once we learn about Coming Home To Ourselves.

Mark finally made the escape from the corporate world, leaving a senior manager role, to make a very natural transition into serving and helping people.

Mark is a life, executive and wellbeing coach, as well as a NLP practitioner and a public speaker. He is a survivor of the corporate world and now helps people develop the skills to manage stress, manage their time and begin to live the life they want. He specialises in helping people 'Coming Home To Ourselves'

In this jam packed episode, we spoke about:
• Values
• Imposture Syndrome
• Superficial conversations
• Living a life of pretence
• Why we avoid who we really are
• Fitting in
• How we protect ourselves
• The messages we are giving our children
• People pleasing
• Adopting the role as a parent
• Gaming and phones - Habits & dopamine - Cue, craving, response, reward
• The world of technology for children of this era and challenges as a parent
• Comparisons
• How to find your purpose naturally
• Start with Connection & Self-compassion
• How are you…..Mentally, physically, emotionally? Where are you in your life?
• “Old age is great cause we get to be who we really are”
• Vulnerability is your resilience to shame.
• Wants and needs, what’s the difference


Contact Mark

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Mark: And I knew I needed to do something else. I knew my life was going in the wrong way. Like, my values were going in one direction, and who I was and how I was living would come in this direction. And your values don't come across and meet your life. You have to meet your values.

Intro: Just a little taster of what is coming up on the show. But first, please do like this video and subscribe to the channel. And also tell your friends and family about this podcast. Please don't us know in the comments if you would like to hear any particular topic in relation to sleep or health, then I a great show, especially for you, just for asking the question. So let's get on with the show.

Johann (Host): Hello everybody, and you're welcome back to another amazing episode of the Empowering Family Health podcast. I have an incredible guest today and we're gonna be touching on a topic that can relate to everybody especially the times that we're living in and the times that we're moving into as well. So I have Mark Carolyn with me today. And before I bring Mark in, let me read you out his incredible bio. Mark is a life executive and well-being coach, and he is an NLP practitioner and a public speaker. 
And he is a survivor of the corporate world. That's a big statement and now helps people to develop the skills to manage stress, manage their time, and begin to live the life that they want. He specializes in bringing people back home to themselves. And we're gonna be talking all about that and how our life really truly makes sense once we learn to come home to ourselves. So, Mark, come on in and say hello to everybody. 
You're very welcome. Thanks

Mark: Thanks a million Johann. It's great to be here.

Johann (Host): Brilliant. Brilliant. Mark, I'm always curious about my guests. And, you know, I'm always intrigued by the work that that my guests are doing in the world. And this is why I love speaking and having a conversation about that on the podcast. 
So, Mark, why why are you doing this work? Give us a bit of background leading into why you're so passionate about this area.

Mark: Wow. This question could take the entire half hour Johann. Well, I suppose for me, as you said in my bio, I'm a survivor of the copper word or an escapee. I'm a bit like red and Shell Shack. So institutionalized it was very a breakout of that kind of institution. 
But for me, I had an opportunity to move into a new world. And in terms of role I was in with being made redundant, either I could get another role in the company I was in or I could do something that I needed to do. And I knew I needed to do something else. I knew my life was going in the wrong way. Like, my values were going in one direction. 
And who I was and how I was living will come in this direction. And your values don't come across and meet your life. You have to meet your values. So if you keep going that way, I was heading for it in serious trouble. And I knew I loved people. 
I know I loved encouraging helping people. I know I loved driving people on. Because I was always doing it in the coaching world. I always be coaching people and trying to help people. And I knew this is a space I wanted to be in. 
And so coaching made sense for me at the time. And I just jumped straight into it. I as I was still at work and I got all these coaching qualifications. I just jumped straight into coaching. And what's interesting is a lot of people I spoke to when I told them what I was doing. 
And I should say when I was brave enough to tell them what I was doing because it be time to admit it from my hand up and say, this is what I do now, when I go overly and pauses and all that people said, that is perfect for you. I can't believe you do or not. That is the perfect thing for you to do. And so for me, I love I love the space. I find it is a pleasure to be coaching people to be working that space, but it is a privilege privilege to hear people tell their honest truth and to be in that space because you know in life so much of our communication is superficial. 
We meet people and it's just we're around fine. There's nothing really going on. We never really get down to the true person. It depends. And yeah. 
On the believer, when you get into this space, you only get to magic because you when you get to the true person and you're helping that person see themselves how they are and in every person I work with, either on something. I love the same time they say something. They're always saying something that I'm sitting there. Oh my gosh. That's for me. 
I'm writing a little note on this side of the picture. That's what I need to think about work on that way, Seth, because when you look and counter truth, you can only learn from me. You can only learn from that experience.

Johann (Host): Yeah. I I loved that. Oh my god. It was so much in that, Mark. And what I what I heard was you really got to see something that people need that they need. 
Right? Because you could see that they're living a life of pretending and the the surface level stuff, the masks, you know, that you're you're talking about and people really aren't themselves when they're living from that space. So let's get into why why are people what's going on in people's lives that they have to pretend, that they they that are avoiding who they really are. I know that's a big loaded question. What's what's going on for people that they that they can't say that this is alive that they're alive and people are surviving.

Mark: Yeah. You

Johann (Host): know, so what is it? What is it that's going on? What's what's causing people to live this type of life?

Mark: Yeah. Look, I think It is it's a huge question, Joanne. It's a huge question. It's and I think the origin of that question starts from very young. Yes. 
I think I think it starts because the very first

Johann (Host): moment you go to school, what are you trying to do? You're trying to fit in. Yeah. And you go to the next and you're trying to fit in again.

Mark: And then you go on to university, you start walking, you're trying to fit in. And you're meeting people and you're fitting in all the time. And every time you fit in, you lose it as a part of yourself and you're fitting in, if you're accepted as you are, that's not fitting in. That's being who you are. But we're always trying to not rock the boat. 
We always don't want the judgement. We don't want criticism. We don't want to be different. It's very hard to be different than society. I think a part of those are fitting in. 
But also, it's because I think Honaville is a huge part of it too. Like, when we're young, you know, we tend to be we can be vulnerable. But what I mean by that is we put ourselves out into the words and we we are ready to be hurt. And we get hurt. And when we get hurt, we pull back, and we build the walls, and we build the blocks, and we build the beliefs, a belief that we're not good enough, on a strong enough, that we're not smart enough, we do all this and we hold ourselves behind these walls and keep ourselves safe behind our wall,

Johann (Host): protect ourselves we're

Mark: a stranger to who we really are because, superficially, we're living out front of ourselves. The truth of us is really back in here. Our authentic self is is the one we keep them locked away all the time. And I think it keeps going because then we develop we develop the the habit of rolling away or we develop the habit of a peas and a peas and a peas and a bean peas or a bean business or we develop a habit of being aggressive and fighting with anyone about everything. And all of these things are simply ways to cope with what's going on in the world, but they're not being authentic. 
They're just ways to hide from shame and cover up from shame and not deal with shame and move away from that sense of being vulnerable.

Johann (Host): A lot. I love it. And I love what you said about fitting in and I can really totally relate to that. And I can I can see it in so in so many ways and like you bring it right back to the child fitting in -- Mhmm? -- and we talk about peer pressure. 
That's a real typical example. Peer pressure, kids in school, and they want to fit in because they need a sense of belonging and kids need to feel like they belong and that you talked about pleas and people as well and kids do that especially see in the home environment, kids do that. They want to please their parents. Right? And if they see that their parents are upset and annoyed or whatever, the children a lot of the time think it's because of them. 
So they they do something to please the parents and and fit back in again, you know, and And and we see this all the time. And and this, you know, we kids grow up. We we learn in these habits. You spoke about habits. Kids grow up learning these habits and then it becomes automatic and becomes so embedded and ingrained at this that we can't even distinguish that this is a it's it's it's a mild adaptive habit if you like.

Mark: It's a it's a coping mechanism. We build all these coping mechanisms for everything. You know, habits are a critical way to survive in life you know

Johann (Host): Sometimes, stay service. You service

Mark: completely. How would you drive a car if you didn't have a habit of driving a car? Because the first time you need a car. My god. Three pedals, a steering wheel, side mirrors, rearview mirror, traffic, cyclist, buses, whatever else is going on. 
Okay. Remember? I remember. That's the same amount of information to process every single second. But now you don't even think about it. 
In fact, you're so good at driving. You can hold a phone in one hand and a cup of coffee.

Johann (Host): Oh, gosh. Yeah. Because that's dangerous habits come

Mark: to extremes. But so coping is really good. But unfortunately, any any so a habit is anything that would help you solve a problem. So habit is a way to cope with the situation. But, unfortunately, if what we use to help ourselves the problem, solve the problem, but it's not good for us, it doesn't matter. 
We have a piece and we repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated until it becomes the power of who we are in the power of ourselves. Yeah. And that's an awful lot of that's when we build this up because we build up coping mechanisms that have become problematic. And it's very hard to tear that down and it's very hard to raise the awareness to see why did I do that or why did I cope in that situation? I think a perfect example, and the simple one is in any relationship, we would have a tendency to react the same way all the time, the same, similar situations. 
But be angry about those. Or let's let's use my entire gender for a moment as an example. You know, we're terrible at being apologizing or admitting we're wrong. You know? Yeah. 
Like and and what is that? Is that because we can't be vulnerable? We don't admit we're wrong. Even if we are wrong, why do we aggressive, why do we fighting against it? What's the value to them? 

Johann (Host): don't like to be wrong.

Mark: Yeah. But that's our coping mechanism would not like him to be wrong with the shame of being wrong. So that we fight against it, but like it's it's a nonsense and it's just a perpetuating cycle of an unnecessary row. It's

Johann (Host): a fear of not being accepted. It's a lot people won't accept if we're wrong about some of

Mark: them. Yeah. But there's a shame cycling a bit wrong. No one wants to do it or thought it as wrong because you're not good enough and you're judged not that. We want to avoid that at our costs. 
To to to open yourself up to potentially being wrong is being vulnerable. And that's the space we're scared of.

Johann (Host): Yes. It is. It is. Our kids are very good at it when they're when they're young, but that's shut down in them. Mhmm.

Mark: Mhmm.

Johann (Host): That's a big that's a big problem. And and this is why, you know and and look, I I talk a lot to parents about sleep and, you know, how how we're living the lifestyle. I I believe it's a lifestyle we're living. That's prevent us from sleeping while at nighttime.

Mark: Yeah. You know,

Johann (Host): what all starts in the family environment because this is where we grown up and this is where we're familiar with Naldarest and I speak to parents. And I talked to them about, you know, parenting is one of the hardest jobs the world and it doesn't come up at a manual and we don't always get it rice. Okay? We do the best that we can. Yeah. 
Well, think about it. We we make our children wrong on so many levels, or don't do this. Don't do that. That's not right. And we mean well by it, but what messages are given to our child? 
I'm not good enough. When you really think about it and strip it all back down, and then the children are grown up in conditions this way. And then it turns on, it goes into The child plays some people then so that they're accepted, they're loved, they're not judged that you talked about the judgment. That's a huge part, isn't it?

Mark: Yeah. Massive. There's two two two two things. There are two stories I'm reminded of. I was given a talk actually oncoming home to yourself recently, and one of the ladies in the room She asked a question after it. 
She said, well, what if you're a people pleaser? What do you do? You know, how do I not be a people pleaser? You know, everyone expects me to say yes all the time. And and She's had her to say no was too simplistic. 
She's like, I can't say no. I've been saying yes for forty five years in my life. I can't comment and say no. Yeah. I said, well, then say, can I think about this? 
Can you leave it with me? Let me have a think about that. If I do that, I can't do that. And I said, it's just people pulling themselves on you and you've already created because, again, it's as much as I say, it's cold in basins. You've developed a role, you play. 
You play this role. Yeah.

Johann (Host): I love it. Yeah. And

Mark: then we adapt that role. And and and she was adapting the role and she had to just slowly break herself out of the role in order to be her authentic self. But I think when you say parenting as well. Because we adapt the role of a parent's. Yeah. 
We adapt this role. I should be this and I should do that. And and, like, should give out in this situation because something's not being done right. Years ago, like, I wish I could do this all the time because I'm, like, every other parent. I end up going, what do you do? 
And then, you know, losing the head because or under pressure, it sounds as probably as the head. But -- Yeah. -- on there, my daughter talked to Milltec Freight when she dropped this. And so the initial reaction is, oh, so why do you do it? I look at the mess. 
But then, just in that moment, the task came into my head. No use cryo was starting up. So, actually, oh my god. Look at the way it's flowing across the floor. It's not mine. 
It's like a milligram. She's looking with that fear, ready to be given out there, and then she stops. And she could relax. As you go, okay, quick, you know. But it's just a different approach to the same situation. 
You can't put the milk back in the carton and worry that the curve person is never gonna change the difference. But we adopt the role as a parent in order to give out because you did something wrong. And therefore, the next time you take the milk, you can already see the shake in the hand because you're afraid you can judge that because you're gonna adopt thing.

Johann (Host): Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And now and now when that happens, when you show the child of the spilt milk, now they're learning true fear. Mhmm. 
When we do that, I think we're all guilty of of doing that at some point in our lives. Right? So we we can't be beating ourselves or wider, but I really get what you're saying, and I love how you did that. Oh, look to the microphone. And you were able to observe that and notice that in the moment, which was great. 
And I think that takes practice to do that, but it is very do. But I think comes with with a lot of awareness observed and, you know, just just just noticing things. Been aware, been aware of how we're being. And I got what you said about the different roles, and I called them archetypes, and --

Mark: Oh, yeah. -- you

Johann (Host): can call them well, the student one I heard, it was another word for no, I can't remember, but it was like the leader, the the warrior, the, you know, the picked, the mommy, all these different roles, and I had my event last week. And I brought my daughter to my event. Now I was a mommy up to that point, but when I was in doing my talk and I was a leader, you know, I was I had the leader hat on, you know, under the teacher hat on as opposed to the mommy hat. So we can be different roles. And I think it's really important that we can distinguish what role we're playing at that time, but we're not we don't always have to be the mommy or the the parent because that's that's exhausting.

Mark: You know, it's interesting that that this has come up because, again, two two examples of that that are perfect a lady actually raised it in the talk I did the previous day about the event last weekend, and she actually broke down and tears, and she was talking about how she'd hurt herself. She was in her seventies, and she was hurt herself. And her kids were, like, close ring or say, I'm coming out for dinner, you know. And she's, like, Can he just not, please? And they sell him over anyway. 
And they always would be in her to feed them and all this and, you know, and to make the dinner and everything. And she was getting really anxious I just I need them. I need bread from them. I need bread from them. And another lady I was coaching, and she was sixty seven years old, Joanne, and I love to have a story because of the example it shows in in what our lives can really be. 
She was trying to get out of work. She was working in a family business. She was moving there to two days a week. And anytime she took a day off, her daughters are so on the ring, I said, would you mind the kids? Absolutely. 
Yeah. I love my grandchildren, but sometimes I'm just sick of them. And watch my own time. Like, I want to stop being a mommy because all I am is a mommy, but I'm now I'm now sixty seven years old, where is my time from my life. When do I start living who I want to be? 
Mhmm. And it was a great conversation. And we walked through a lot of stuff for her, and it was very obvious that she maybe her marriage was not happy. She was always confined to this world, even working in a family business, kind of being a mommy with that within that as well. And she told me at the end, as we finished work, and she said, I'm gonna do something that demonstrates my new sense of freedom. 
And I said, that's brilliant. That's brilliant. What are you gonna do? Because, well, I'm actually getting a role in play. I thought, this is fantastic to know, but that's not it. 
And then about three days later, I got a a text number and it was a video of a photo message. I just got this tattoo. And it was a tattoo the whole way of the inside of Rome. Not something smart. This huge thing we're of the inside of Rome. 
She says, this means freedom to me. And that is fantastic. I guess, every time she locks at her arm, she said, I'm free to choose what I'm gonna do.

Johann (Host): Oh, I get that.

Mark: I'm free to choose.

Johann (Host): You know what I heard and that is by El Mark. Right? Which was when she said, I love minded my grandkids, but sometimes I don't want to be the mommy. Yeah. So she owned her store and she was in touch with what her values were. 
You you were talking about values early on, and I think that's part of a really important part. Like, you mentioned, like, you talked about her important values are of of of what it is that makes you whole and complete. And she she she got to see that and she knew what that was. And I think that is just prizes to know that's what it is. I just don't want to mind the kids because I just don't want to be a mommy all the time. 

Mark: percent a man like and look at our Irish culture, so matriarchism in particular, and also quite patriarchal that were so refined and rigidly doctors. Mhmm. And and even, like, the kids and adults children of parents will be questioned about why are you doing that? As in, you can't live a life as a parent. Because you're you're a mommy or a daddy. 
Yeah. Exactly. We'd like our own children to give us that freedom, but we won't give that freedom on -- Yeah. -- because we'd all rolled it in our society. We're so structured within that. 
It's it's strange how we do that.

Johann (Host): Yeah. I'm I'm so sure I can just sit down in so many levels. Talk to us about when you talk about habits and all this, come Are are we adapted more addictive type and I know what addictive is a very heavy area, but we can be addictive in other areas that are not substance abuse. A hundred percent. Yeah. 
I I I've

Mark: been working. I know we were talking about it before. I've been working in in Dosing treatment center of the given talks. And I've been learning a lot from talking to the people who are there, the the people who are working in Eskom, the people who are volunteering in us, about addiction and how it's affecting an amount of work. And look, twenty years ago, everyone who reported there was generally a male in his fifties without hair detection. 
And a few females and her fifties without hair detection. Now it is alcohol, drugs, gambling. And then, yeah, and the adolescent center, it is gaming, it is phones. And I think that this this particular this particular device here is music. How about so far? 
Right? But q, craving, response award. There's a q, and a craving, and a response award. Q is your phone buzzes. Praving is to see the message. 
Responses, you pick it up, the reward is, you get to see the message. Your phone is built to create a habit in you because it's always removing board So there's no wonder it creates habits, and we get addicted to the foam as a behavior. Because it's designed to do that. And you'd narrowly swear to avoid phone companies knew what they were asked.

Johann (Host): Of course, it is. Yeah. Crossed it and I love how he describes that. But it's it's it's it's a dopamine hair like this man. Maybe

Mark: every time the craving and the response, I get to see the message, I get to message, and then you've got your apps online or TikTok is pure dopamine. It changes every thirty seconds. You are never lost. You can never report because it's always something new and always something new. What they're trying to do. 
They're trying to conquer board them and create dopamine. And unless we're aware of what it's doing to us -- Yeah. -- doing trouble. I I know I know I'm terrible. I'll be sitting there in the kids and we got the phone. 
The phones are banned at the kitchen table. If we're eating, no phones are left. Mhmm. Has to be banned because otherwise, we're on our phones. And then what example were we given the kids that your phone is is allowed at the kitchen table? 
If we're here or we're communicating --

Johann (Host): Yeah.

Mark: -- and we have to start that.

Johann (Host): Yeah. I I I love God, I'm right. I love that. And and we could talk for an hour about mobile phones and laptops and gaming and everything else because I have a pair of hate They're great technology. It's great technology. 
The advance is very, very fast. But I think we need to be really responsible and be aware of what's going on. And there are biological effects as, you know, with all these responses that will happen. The dopamine that the pathway that you talked about And interestingly, I watched a video by Simon Scenic, and he said, gambling, smoking, and addiction. Right? 
Common spoken on addiction. They all have the same neuropathory, the dopamine pathway. Right? Now, when you bring phones in, on game and on other, it's exactly the same.

Mark: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Johann (Host): Yeah. What other small conga and artist does an age restriction on it? Yeah. Most countries twenty one. There's no age restrictions on phones when it comes to kids. 
I see it. My daughter is twelve now in November and every single child in her classroom except for harsh. Has a phone. They bring a phone into school. I think that is just way too young. 
And parents will say, oh, but they need to text me and do school and all this. Look, there there may be, you know, at times, but not every single day. Do y'all have to WiFi on the phones? I'm sure when they go into school. The the WiFi is another story as well because at the in a new environment. 
But we're not we're not given the right message. I think there's a lot of misunderstanding about mobile phones and usage. They're great. To a certain point, but we need to understand how to use them properly and at the right time because a lot of people use them at their time as well and prevent them from sleeping. And again, the dopamine is an excite we know we're on. 
That's keep us awake at nighttime. So

Mark: it's a

Johann (Host): huge area, Mark, isn't it? I

Mark: think our challenge and our challenge for us, Johannes, because we grew up in a word before phones. So we understood and we remember a word before phones. So we have a sense that there is a word outside

Johann (Host): of that. And we know it is. We know there's a word outside of it where phones become a two. Yeah. But the generation the generation that our kids there,

Mark: they do not know anything but technology. They do all these babies. We handle them technology for them to mess around and play with. So that is their world. So we can't take them away from technology, but we need to educate the two technology. 
Absolutely. We saw something brilliant recently he was talking about, like, especially, like, if you look at TikTok and Instagram. They're very insidious for young girls, which I can't for young boys too because of the life they portray, the over sexualization, you know, that that they have acts a student at a young age. And how do you protect them from this imagery straight away? And I think it's You have to build the self confidence of the individual child. 
They have to become sensible enough on who they are and confident on who they are so that this imagery and stuff that they're being of subjected to does not affect who they are intrinsically. I think that's our challenge as a parent.

Johann (Host): The foundation is not of who they are, but you're to talk about coming homes themselves. This is the foundation. Know who you are and what your values are, and the self confidence, and all of us is really, really important because then they won't be influenced so easily by all these And I I do see teenagers, you know, doing the selfies and putting all the filters on.

Mark: Of course. The

Johann (Host): perfect image, like, you know, and then the comparison of what we could talk and know about this, the comparison that go on and all these snapchat and all these things, you know, and all the kids think that kid is perfect and they have a brilliant life and and, you know, and then they start comparing themselves and they say, oh, I appreciate your life compared to stuff. Person and all this comparison then and then we see more suicides and and it's all related to this.

Mark: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A comparison is such a joke you're saying because that's outside sounds. Like, I think for comparison, if you're gonna compare yourself to anyone, compare yourself to who you were yesterday. 
That's your comparison subjects. Because if you're better than you were yesterday, well then you're in and That's your best comparison. Like, I know we can use comparison. If someone's doing something that you admire and you want to achieve and you want to gain from and you're going, you know what? They're on that level. 
I wanna get up to them and you're comparing yourself with them in terms of trying to build yourself a path. That can be good as long as your outcome isn't their outcome because they can't be the same thing. Yeah. In other words, the comparison with your self is the best comparison because that's who we're competing with in essence.

Johann (Host): Yeah. Abs absolutely. I really hear that. So and again, coming back to what Mars to you, what where your passion is, what you want to achieve in your life, and it's all individual. So we can be inspired by these people and we can learn a lot from these people who have succeeded in life, you know, and success is is a whole other topic in in that itself. 
It's not about making money. You know, and it's it's it's it's it's staff fulfillment. In in any given moment, like, you know, staff fulfillment and it's It's an ongoing journey. It's not like you reach a destination. You achieve something. 
Because life still continues after that. So it's moment by moment. It's an onboard journey. You know, it's it's it's all of us and and and how we can use the tools, but but always connect them back to ourselves and ask ourselves, is this what I really want?

Mark: Yeah. I think, like, that's such a good point. It is a journey, and it's always a journey. And we forget that. We think there's a destination. 
There is a final destination in this existence, no doubt about it. But it's beyond life. It's a journey until we get to that final destination. And there is no stopping point. Yeah. 
Because I was like, have you been really thinking about this lately because of this sense of purpose of people feel. And, like, I use an example of that. I think it was Joe Reilly's an awkward character to talk about, but I was thinking it was him. It was talking about the moment and dairy won the art art. And then we train for twenty years, start playing at the age of eight years old and finally get to this point. 
And when the fight was the wedding, he's like, why don't they feel happy in that? Because I thought this was the whole purpose. Yeah. And once I once I do this, I'd feel happy because we put all this sense into the destination of the purpose. And that's where we lose that because it's not about that. 
It's about the journey too there. And when we were talking about values, I think that's one of the key factors because we all look for this purpose and life. And we look externally for this purpose because we see all the people with these great great ways of doing things. And we think that's I have to find my purpose. But you won't find your purpose externally. 
Yeah. You find your purpose by finding your values. What are your values? Once you find them, then your find your purpose naturally because it will be in line with your values. That's your journey to your purpose. 
And that's the space we need to look at.

Johann (Host): Yeah. And and something that I I always do, my coach and Mark, I don't know if you did the same. Like a lot of people that I'd say, what what does that matters to you? What do you want in your life? And most people can't answer that question. 
Right? And so I I go back to, well, what did you do well when you're a child? Or what did you find yourself doing the most what I, you know, that you spontaneously did because children do that. They got those spontaneously do spend most time doing what it is that they enjoy doing and what they love. And from me, I was always I looked music, but I was always and I was always kinda creative, you know. 
I I wasn't a doll person around like that. I didn't do dolls. But I was always mind and people and looking after people and I got satisfaction over that, you know, as as a child was always a care and a protector as child, you know. And and that's who I am today. Like, and I really loved us and I just fall into this and -- Yeah. 
-- that's who I am, you know. I really value that because you see, my my idea is, you know, if the people around me are happy and content, content being the optimal word, content, then, you know, they have no need to be defensive or have to be a certain way to There's no competition. Right? They can just be and it's a more harmonious world. And if you're a person as being that way, it just reflects back to me and voice a person. 
And then before you know where you are, there's a ripple effect. And that's how the world can be, you know, when we're all doing our little biz. And, you know, but it all starts with what is important to us and what, you know, for us to to feel or hope to get that, create a sense of fulfillment. So I wanna ask you the multi million dollar question mark, how do or what advice or how come people come home to themselves? What how how do people do this? 
Where did they start, Mark?

Mark: Start with connection. Because we are human animals. And as a human animal, we need connection. We need connection to people around us. We need connection to our our community. 
If we have connection if you're lucky enough to have someone in your life that will hold you in a space that allows you to make mistakes, and allows you to apologize, that allows you to grow within that one and you are blessed. And that's very lucky. But if you don't have that, there's another connection that's way more important in any case, and that's the connection to yourself. Yeah. And that starts with self compassion. 
If we don't have any self compassion, we cannot grow, we cannot change because that allows ourselves to space. It allows ourselves to say something to ourselves some part in Johannes. It allows yourself to set yourself. You know what? I'm enough. 
Yeah. I am enough. Because I look at everything as a scarcity. I'm not enough. I don't have enough. 
When we looked at plenty, but I am enough is enough. And once we develop the ability of self compassion, then we begin to understand who we are, and then we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable as an adult. Again. We'll come back into the world that we left for so long ago and allow ourselves to make mistakes because we can forgive those mistakes now because it's okay because we're making the right mistakes six in the right way. And the judgment doesn't matter any much anymore because now it's about ourselves. 
We're not being judged because of shame. We're being judged because people don't understand as this is who they really are. And they're problem about ours because we have our self compassion for our self. And that's our starting point. That's our starting point to grow from. 
We're almost critics, Mark, aren't we? When anyone like if like, somebody falls over. You don't go over them. You pick them up. You say, you're alright. 
You don't keep going. You fall over. You tell yourself you're an idiot.

Johann (Host): Yeah. We don't. You wouldn't talk to your best

Mark: friend the way we talk to ourselves. No. It's all. Not at all. Like, and and and but that's the beginning of self compassion. 
Like, ask yourself, I like to ask two questions. And it's a great way for people to start done a self compassion journey. First of all is, how are you? And how are you such a big question? It's hard to answer. 
When you break it down, how are you mentally, how are you physically, how are you, emotionally, how are you in all of these domains in your life?

Johann (Host): Know that.

Mark: And then where are you? Like, where are you right now? Where are you going? Because wherever you're going, that's where you're going to end up. And if you don't know where you're going, then you're still going to end up in that same space. 
So if you were to answer where you are, then you can go and say, you know what? I don't want to get there. I want to go somewhere else. And then you can start to do that. But where you are is also a good question because you can tell you, are you at home or are you living externally to yourself? 
Is all of your life external requirements and external satisfaction? Or is what's going on inside that you're actually living to? And there's what we start with our self compassion too.

Johann (Host): That that's so much great advice, Mark, and it really is so important, you know, to ask yourselves these powerful questions. You know, that we don't ask for yourselves these these questions on a on a deep level. I love the way you said, but how are you physically, emotionally, spiritually even? You know, what's what is you want to achieve in your life fulfillment where, you know, why are you waking up in the mornings type of thing, you know? Like, what is it you want to do in the world? 
And it doesn't have to be out and big. You know, it doesn't it doesn't have to be, like, you know, saving a country or something like that. You know, it can be something small, but some that's giving you that sense of fulfillment. Yeah. And and the other thing that you said, Mark, was And I can really see this in the family situation is about, you know, children feeling seen. 
And when we talk about love, right, what is love? You know, and we all say we love our children. But I sometimes say, well, do we really do we really understand what Nova is? Because Nova is saying the child for who they are without judgments without making them wrong. I really love them on conditionally. 
And I think that is key to feeling part of to feeling belonged in a family. And as you say, that really creates the space to allow a child to be vulnerable to really show up with who they are if they're making a mistake, they're not afraid because we can learn and grow to our mistakes. And I I think what you just said is absolutely priceless, Mark. Thanks,

Mark: Johan. Yeah. I think Weirdly, radius. You hit something very true with the with the parenting. I think in our modern world. 
We want to be loathed by our kids. We want to be their friend, but we're not supposed to be their friend. And that's very hard that's very hard. And we have to love more conditioning, but we also have to guide and control and encourage and help and take the more people also ask them the tough questions of themselves so they become these more rounded individuals,

Johann (Host): and they don't they don't specify. I saw this quote during the

Mark: day. The old age is great because you get to be a new billionaire. I can't look. Why are we wearing? Because

Johann (Host): Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. 
Exactly. And we don't wanna keep our kids wrapped up and cotton wool, keeping them safe. Unfortunately, well, you can say, unfortunately, we have to let them learn because it's through these events, these mishaps, whatever that they grow and learn physically immensely, emotionally. And as long as we keep them wrapped up and cut cut more and fight their battles for them, they're never alone, and and then when they become adults, they're screwing, which when they can't bend for themselves, they can't, you

Mark: know? It's it's like it's like we talk about resilience and the importance of resilience. And Resilience closes so many ways. Resilience is your ability to keep going, to get up and go again. Yeah. 
That's also How do you talk about vulnerability? Vulnerability is your resilience, the shame. What it is. That's what it is. If you're resilient to shame, you can be vulnerable and you can grow and move. 
But if you're not resilient to shame, if you're worried about shame and afraid of this, afraid of being judged. You build that arm or you build those walls and then you can't move forward from that. Yeah.

Johann (Host): Look at your vulnerability is been afraid of who you really are. Isn't that? Yeah. I love that. Mark, we could talk for so long, and we're coming to the end of the podcast. 
Mark, tell us a little bit about how people can find your your web address and all that are behind you there, but I just just shared it out there just so people can hear you.

Mark: you can find me at markcarolancoaching.com or Mark Carolan Coaching on Facebook or LinkedIn, also on Instagram and TikTok. But I need to do more on those, and I do enjoy doing those. I don't do enough. Instead of social media in the world. And What kind

Johann (Host): what kind of services do you do, Mark? How can people work with you?

Mark: So I suppose, whether I work So I work in I've been as a writer of the corporate world. My intention in the corporate world was to change it, and now I'm going back into change it. So I do do work with companies and try and work with stuff, both professionally and personally because I'm an executive coach as well, but not a lot of changes, but personal change. But for people listening, like, this idea to bring them back confident as I help people really find out who they are, find out what they need in this life, and create the plan to make that happen, create the plan to move forward with that to make sure that the life that they're living is the ones they actually want. 
Or as a lady said to me recently after I was walking or she said, you didn't you didn't help me get the life I want. You hadn't you get the life that I need. I think that's more important because the wants and the ideals, but let's get what we need first because if we don't have that, then we're not gonna get anywhere else.

Johann (Host): Yeah. Yeah. I I love what you said about the ones. Yeah. Because, you know, people they want certain things and they think that would help them fulfill in an area or whatever. 
But actually underneath all the we all have needs that we need to be, you know, fulfill on. And, Mark, I love I love everything that you're doing. I think it's it's incredible because you know, you're creating a place for people to really find out who they they they truly are. You're creating a space to a mass and these powerful questions. Because I really believe that the world that we're living in at the moment does does way too much chaos and friction and fight and and war and all this stuff. 
But when we can come home to ourselves, be content, have peace of mind, sleep well at nighttime, then there's no competition, there's no defensiveness, we can help each other more effectively because we always have challenges in our life.

Mark: Yeah

Johann (Host): we can't be in a better place to help each other because at the end of the day, thousands of years ago, we were living on tribes We all raised a little child in the village, and we all did, we all helped. And that's what we want to get back to community. And community is really, really important for our survival for us to drive in life on a person level and then also in the family and the whole community. So, Mark, listen, have have a great day. Thank you so much for being here. 
Well, thank you for our audio wisdom. I just think what you've what you've talked about in in this episode with me today is just absolutely priceless. And and I really hope that somebody will get some they will they will get stuff something from this conversation because it's been truly invaluable. So you may have saved somebody's life day, Mark. In this communication, so listen. 
Thank you so much, Mark, and have a wonderful day. Thank

Mark: you, Joanne. That was lovely. Great to be here. Thank you so much.

Johann (Host): I do hope you are enjoying these conversations. And to help me continue putting these videos and audio podcasts together, I do have an ask I do need support to help me to keep bringing your knowledge and insights. There is a patreon link patreon dot com forward slash empowering family health, or you can make a donation via PayPal. All the links are in the description and the pinned comment. You can do a one off or you can do a monthly support. 
So I really appreciate that. Thank you and have a wonderful day. Take care.

Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us on the Empowering Family Health podcast. If you liked what you heard and you want to hear more, please subscribe to the upcoming cast. And remember to share with your friend so that they too can be empowered.